March 7: Hoboken St. Patrick’s Day
March 14: New York St. Patrick’s Day (1)
March 15: New York St. Patrick’s Day (2)
March 17: Actual St. Patrick’s Day

As we approach the start of this marathon of drinking, I find it appropriate to recap last year’s Hoboken St. Patty’s Day and provide a brief preview of this years.

Last year I was really drunk (no shit, right?).  Unfortunately I had to go to work the next day and apparently some people don’t respect my religious obligations.  Of course I was an hour and a half late for work, unshowered and looking like fucking hell.  Part of why I looked so bad was that John broke a picture of a children’s lacrosse team over my head.  It was one of those “blow up a regular picture to mega size (approximately 2 feet by 2 feet) and put it on a canvas” deals.  So that was pretty awesome.  That’s actually the biggest highlight.  Apart from fighting John, I can’t remember much of last year’s celebration.

Fast forward to this year.  The only real preview I can offer is that I’m going to the liquor store to buy Guinness, Baileys and Jameson.  Thinking of car bombs reminded me of the 4th of July after my sophomore year.  For some reason at 3704 we did car bombs for the 4th of July.  The end result was a lot of wrestling in the kiddie pool that we had on the porch and me vomiting black at 11am.  Awesome.  I miss college.

Unrelated hilarious observation:  I was messing around with one of them celebrity look-a-like websites and apparently in one picture where I’m super wasted at karaoke, I’m a 76% match to Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  That’s right, I’m a black civil rights leader.

Back to the point, however.  I, like most people, have dealt with a recycling bin in the past but not once did I end up stuck inside of it for two days.  The reason that I’ve never been stuck inside of a recycling bin for two days is because I am a fucking competent human being.

First, this woman her was taking her dog, Dusty, on a trip to the recycling bin with her.  Old people are barely capable of doing a single task and thus should never be multi-tasking.  Also, Dusty?!?  Fucking serious??  Worst dog name ever.  Apparently she pampers the dog and keeps a heater in the garage (this is the reason she didn’t freeze to death I suppose).  So you really love your dog but not enough to keep him in the house when its below 20 degrees outside?  You fucking bitch.  It’s increasingly sounding like she deserved to get stuck in a recycling bin in a cold garage.

Second, what kind of recycling bin does this woman have?  Ours is about 18 inches tall and has a width of 18 inches and a length of 36 inches.  No one could possibly get stuck in that.  Was her recycling bin actually a bear trap?  I sort of wish it was.  This would be a far funnier story (with a far happier ending) if a 76 year old Philadelphia/Jersey woman got stuck in a bear trap for two days.  Holy shit! Looking at the pictures, it appears that her recycling bin is a normal trash can.  How the fuck did she get stuck in it?  Unless her dog launched her like five feet in the air and she landed inside of it, this woman is seriously fucking incompetent.

Third, her friends didn’t get really worried about her for two days.  Seriously??  There are people I talk to multiple times every day and, if I was a 76 year old woman, they would get worried if they didn’t hear from me for like 6 hours.  I probably don’t have the world’s greatest friends.  In fact, my friends are assholes, degenerates, pricks and all sort of other words.  However, they at least care about me way more than this woman’s friends do.

Finally, let’s discuss the news coverage of this event.  Hey, ABC 6, way to take pictures of the recycling bin, the garage door, the dog and the hospital but leave out a picture of this woman stuck in a recycling bin.  What the fuck, man?  If you get stuck in a fucking recycling bin and the police, the fire department, EMS and a hospital have to deal with the aftermath your picture should be all over the news.  I mean, fucking seriously?  What ever happened to survival of the fittest?  Oh that’s right, the Democrats got rid of it a long time ago.

Conclusion: When a cat gets too old to function on its own, it gets put down.  When a dog gets too old to function on its own, it gets put down.  Sometimes people get too old to function on their own and they too should be put down.

Side note: my new St. Patty’s Day sneakers arrived today.

Now let’s have a discussion.  Fine, it’s not a discussion if I’m just ranting in your general direction, but I think you get the point (and if you don’t get the point, get the fuck out of my blog).  At first glance, I see how this could be construed as bad for the police or assault or whatever.  However, let’s break the thing down:

1) 15 year old black girl in jail for an auto theft.  Strikes me as entirely likely that she was doing something in jail that was worthy of a beating or two.  I mean, come on, white teenagers sometimes spend a night in jail for non-crimes, like underage drinking.  And we eat McDonalds cheeseburgers until our parents pick us up in the morning.  I just never have sympathy for black criminals who are in jail and then complain when something bad happens to them “on the inside”.

2) She assaulted the cop who beat her. Modern American statutes define assault as “an attempt to cause or purposely, knowingly, or recklessly causing bodily injury to another”.  She kicked her shoe at a cop when all he did was ask her to remove her shoes.  Though she denies that it hit him (but then again a nig in jail would lie; she probably denies the auto theft as well), it’s completely irrelevant for proving assault.  Kicking the shoe = assault, the shoe hitting him = battery.  Worse, it was a law enforcement officer so that’s a felony instead of a misdeamenor.  It’s amazing how prone to crime those people are.

3) She’s a black teenage criminal so anything she says can’t be trusted.

4) She claims to have not been resisting, but I certainly see resistence there.  Additionally, we have no idea what was being said.  The cop had to beat her ass a little bit when she assaulted him and then resisted when he tried to restrain her to prevent another assault.  When she was on the ground, he probably had to hit her again because she was saying all kinds of ridiculous shit.

So, looking at the event like that, the cop should be given a medal for having to once again put up with the lowest form of human life: the black criminal.  The girl should be sentenced to life…not in prison, but in Africa.  Just send her back, we don’t want her anymore.

I found the above rant entertaining to write because it’s true.  Sometimes the truth is far more enteraining than fiction or made up stuff or Law & Order spin-offs.

The biggest problem with the current Law & Order franchise is that it’s missing something important.  The catch-all main series, the rape solving detectives at SVU and the sort of creepy Criminal Intent guys meet almost all of the needs of the TV public.  They don’t cover queers (at least not the prosecution of them).  So, I’ve created that show in my mind and I plan on going down to 30 Rock later this week to debut: Law and Order: Queer Squad.

To give you a better idea of what the show will be all about, I’ll basically outline the pilot for you:

Background info: The state legislature has banned homosexuals (finally) and the Queer Squad of the NYPD has been created to investigate homosexuals and arrest the offenders.  Then the Homosexual Crimes Unit of the DA’s office prosecutes them.

Tagline: In the criminal justice system, homosexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these disgusting felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Queer Squad. These are their stories.

Scene 1: Two guys eating dinner in a Chelsea bistro.  Are they fags?  Who knows.  Maybe they are just two dudes who love bisto-style dining.  They discuss sports, but they don’t seem to have a good grasp for how football actually works.  A woman sneaks past them and out the front door to report them to………the Queer Squad.

(Cut to opening credits)

Scene 2: Detectives do a bunch of background work.  Older, jaded detective talks about how fucking disgusted he is by fags.  Liberal detective is slightly torn about rounding up fags, but eventually reconciles her job by admitting that it is indeed the law.  Upon interviewing people who know the fags, the anecdotal evidence is piling up.  They go to operas, they watch artsy movies, no one knows whether or not that one bedroom apartment has two beds in it or not.

(Connecting scene where the detectives beg the ADA for a search warrant and she agrees to go to a judge)

Scene 3: Execution of the search warrant.  There’s only one bed in that apartment.  It’s color coordinated.  Detective O’Brien (the racist, homophobic Iris cop) opens a drawer looking for joint bills or the like and finds………..a double sized giant black dildo.  Suspects (fag suspects) arrested and dragged to the precinct.

(Commercial break including commercials for Bud Light and non-gay vacations to the Caymans)

Scene 4: Arraignment.  Suspects formally charged with Homosexuality in the First Degree, Disgusting Gay Sex Acts in the First Degree and Attempted Disgusting Gay Sex Acts.  Bail denied and asses ordered sealed shut because prison is like Disney World for those people.

Scene 5: Trial.  Prosecution puts on a series of witnesses proving that these two are ridiculously gay including numerous exhibits (remember that giant black dildo?).   One juror vomits in the jury box in disgust.  Prosecution rests.

Scene 6: The plea bargain attempt.  The ADA asks the two gays and their lawyer (potential side plot: is the lawyer a fag? no, he’s not.) together in a conference room.  The offer is life without the possibility of parole in solitary as long as he reports other fags.  Why would they take the offer?  Well, because the penalty if they are convicted is banishment to Mars.

Sidebar unrelated to the pilot: I know what you’re thinking.  Mars is uninhabitable.  False.  We have literally no way of knowing.  All we’ve ever sent to Mars is that stupid Mars Rover thing.  How does a robotic car have any idea whether or not we can live there?  It doesn’t.  They only way to find out is to send gays up there and see if they survive or not.  After all, no one knew that America was inhabitable until some English people packed up their shit and headed over.  Turns out America’s pretty kick ass.  Of course, Mars won’t be kick ass if it’s completely populated with gays, but at least we’ll know whether or not you can survive there.

Scene 7: Offer rejected so let’s return to court.  The defense puts on its case and who do they call first………A SURPRISE WITNESS!!!!!  OMFG!!!  Anyways, this witness claims to be the girlfriend of one of the defendants.  This will certainly destroy the people’s case, right?  Well here comes Jack McCoy to cross examine the witness.  What does Jack do?  He completely destroys her on the stand.  Turns out she’s a post op tranny and she was the defendant’s boyfriend before the surgery!  People’s exhibit 9a: The tranny’s penis in a jar from the surgery.  People’s exhibit 9b: The tranny is now sucking its own penis which it has taken out of the jar.

Scene 8: Gays being loaded into the spaceship to Mars having been convicted on all counts.  Old, jaded detective makes some sarcastic but hilarious comment about gays in space and rockets.

So there you have it.  The best show to ever be on television.  Basically it writes itself so the overhead is low.  It’s filmed in New York so we don’t need any fancy sets or anything.  I think this will be the most fucking successful thing to ever be on TV.  Even if it’s not, we at least succeeded in ripping on fags for a few episodes.

Federal legislation has been passed allowing an additional $25 weekly payment to unemployment recipients. These payments are expected to begin in late March 2009, retroactive to week ending March 1, 2009. No additional action will be necessary on your part in order to receive these payments.

You’re reading that correctly.  As of March 1, 2009 us unemployed guys are getting a raise.  So fuck you employed people and your no raises as of March 1.  Go back to your jobs and your working.  I’ll enjoy the Law & Order: SVU marathon on USA and sometimes an episode of Spongebob Squarepants when I’m bored of rape (which is never!).

Coming soon (aka later today when I’m not so lazy): why abortion should only be used to take babies away from stupid fucking parents, especially those who don’t take responsibility for their children on airplanes.

Why would I say that it’s almost too fast?  Think about it.  You get it onto your dick by putting it on your hands.  It works instantly to make your dick bigger.  Shouldn’t it also instantly make your hands bigger, right?  I would consider that a bad thing especially if you used only a single hand to put it on and had one “enhanced” hand and one regular hand.  The FAQs seem to not address the issue at all.

Actually.  Maybe you do need your hands to be enhanced along with your cock.  What if the enhancement is so good that your hand is too small to allow you to jerk off any longer?  That sounds bad…especially from an unemployed point of view.  Hmmm…dick cream is more complex than I ever thought.

During the day, there are a lot of ads that apply only to the elderly.  We’ve got diabetes, catheters, life insurance and my favorite: The Scooter Store.  At first their pitch is genius.  We, the friendly guys at the scooter store, will work together with Medicare to get you a scooter at little to no cost to you.  At first glance this is a great idea.  Help the elderly increase their mobility.  In fact, in this economic climate, helping the elderly get out and about will allow them to spend easier.

This, however, is patently false.  The reality: the elderly (aided by The Scooter Store) have ruined our economy.  The elderly have gotten more mobile and can get to stores easier.   What do they do the second the get through the door?  They demand a senior citizens discount.  Excuse me?  Fuck you, being old doesn’t mean you should get a discount on a flat screen TV.  You’re old.  You are at death’s door.  Spend your money!  These senior citizen discounts have cause the economy to shrink and the stock market to plummet because seniors wanted cheaper stock prices too.

In addition to them tearing apart the economy with their senior citizen discounts, they are taking the government down from the inside.  Not only do they vote, which we all know never helps anything (voting is for chumps), but they get scooters from The Scooter Store.  The same scooter store that helps you interface with Medicare to get it on the cheap.  The same Medicare thats funded by the Feds.  So thanks to the elderly wanting cheap scooters to get to store to get their senior citizen discounts, the government is also running out of money.  The only way to get more money?  Tax us non-elderly, non-scooter owning people.  Fuck you, old people.

Perhaps even more enraging than any of the above problems with The Scooter Store is who they’re not helping.  As unemployed people, we don’t like walking around a whole lot but sometimes we need to go places and do things (like spend our meager unemployment money).  Of course, walking hurts and makes you use your legs.  Who am I?  Usain Bolt? No fucking way.  I want a scooter but The Scooter Store won’t help me and even if they did, they wouldn’t help me get it for little or no cost.  They’d make me pay full price which god knows I can’t afford with my unemployment money.  Obviously I would want the Breeze 3 GT-S Scooter but for $4499?!?  It’s not even the price that makes me sick.  It’s the fact that some 80 year old bitch is out there driving my scooter around and I paid for it every time I paid my taxes.  Disgusting.

I think it’s best to break this down into three distinct sections: beat, kill and rape.  I think that these section titles are pretty self-explanatory yet all encompassing.  Additionally, they will really help you, the reader, understand what’s going on here.  So let’s go…

A. BEAT

This is easily the area we have focused most of our time and effort.  Why?  Because it’s hilarious, it’s easy and, honestly, I have some experience in the area so I don’t have to learn anything new or try very hard.  That is not to say that beating David almost to death is going to be easy because I don’t think it will be…even though the two of us plan to jump him when he least expects it.  Worth noting here that he never expects it even though we’ve told him to his face.  Maybe a blog post about it will clarify the situation.

Moving on, the beating category really can be broken down into two subsections.  Bloody snowman and fake guns.

The bloody snowman was a genius plan hatched just after we got fired. I believe it was either a chance to get some money by robbing David or perhaps it was just a way to get even.  It had recently snowed and I was going to use that as a way to feel less bad.  Think about it.  If there’s snow on the ground, it’ll hurt less bad when David falls to the ground in an unconscious pile.  Then we realized…blood would get all over the snow from beating the fuck out of David.  The solution? Turn him into a bloody snowman in front of our old office as a warning to everyone else.  I’m not sure what the warning would have been…perhaps stay away from us because we’re dangerous lunatics.

The fake guns was also a genius plan and I wish it was mine but it was my unemployed colleague’s idea. Apparently prop stores and costume stores sell incredibly realistic looking guns with one big caveat: they are yellow. I suppose the yellow color keeps criminals from using them to hold up pedestrians and liquor stores. That only works because minorities are notoriously fucking stupid.  Us intelligent white people know that we can use black spray paint to make the guns look real. Once we have real looking guns, we can easily pistol whip the fuck out of David and then steal his money, I guess. The money is really just secondary to the severe beatings.

B. KILL

I suppose it goes without saying that David knows us well.  What happens when you beat the fuck out of someone you know? That’s right, they call the cops and tell on you.  Frankly we can’t afford that. It’s hard enough being unemployed without having to worry about getting raped in the ass at Riker’s Island. There is only one thing that you can do in this situation: kill David. I would imagine it’d be a lot like Kill Bill (Volume 1, not Volume 2 since Volume 2 sucked dick and Volume 1 had the Pussy Wagon).

C. RAPE

What do you do with a dead body of a really good friend of yours? Rape it, obviously. Now before you think that the two of us are queer or into sticking our junk into dead things (though a later post will cover a very short list of dead things we will stick our junk into), we wouldn’t be doing the raping ourselves. At one point in David’s life he hooked up with a girl we’ll call Tawanda. Tawanda will be the one raping David’s dead body. How does that work? Well, it’s simple, Tawanda has the biggest dick of any one we know so it’ll work out just fine.

Now before you go off thinking that we’re the two worst people on earth (which in fact we are), let it be said that we have no intention of actually doing these awful things to David Scottson.  We actually love David very much and we have no intention of actually doing anything that would make us leave our homes unless we’re going to a bar, strip club or crack house (the latter being something we frequent multiple times a week since, well, we have no fucking jobs). We simply find that having some targets (more to be identified in future posts) helps us to pass the day by letting us have an agenda.  For example, today’s agenda might be:

1. Roll Call
2. Old Business

3. David Scottson

4. Drinking our pain away
5. Other coworkers we despise
6. Drinking our pain away, revisited

See? Our day is far more structured. If we had to come up with new things to talk about every single day, we’d be fucked.

Update:  We totally lied.  We’ll write something offensive by Wednesday and be in jail by Friday.

Update again: Pink is a super gay color.  That’s why we’ve used it here so you know we’ll be making fun of gays.